He!!o friends and fans alike,
Graham Smith here wishing you a sincerely incredible New Years Celebration. Did everybody get the gifts they wanted from
Baby 2007, the Irritable Gift-Giving Superhero? I certainly hope so.
The early December launch of cultureheart.com was a resounding success. In fact, it so exceeded all of my expectations that it opened up new avenues of possibility w/r/t business—such as, for example, the hiring of additional employees to oversee the spindly theoretical arms of the cultural corporation (I’m thinking “culturation,” but I sincerely welcome alternative suggestions) that we are trying to build.
As you may know, after the firing of my original MySpace Site Maintainer (MSSM)—whose name I am legally obligated not to say, type or pantomime—and the subsequent hiring of Walt Cherries (whom you may know as Walt Cherries, Jr., but whose true and factual name has now been gloriously restored as will be explained in a bit or two), we have both been spread lingerie-thin trying to keep up with the hectic demands of a burgeoning business company.
This is why you may have felt a dearth of information at cultureheart.com, on the MySpace site page, as well as this here !temwire. Rest assured, we are working furiously to correct this detestable lacuna. To this end, we have hired a phalanx of overworkable writers and critical theorists, each unmatched in their fields as well as in their ability to write words for an incredibly value-focused price. I’d like to take a minute to personally introduce you to the newest additions to the cultureheart.com/Culture Heart Recordo family, as well as recap the ones you already know and explain what everybody’s going to be doing, now. OK:
Graham Smith—this is me, I’m a
RECORDING ARTIST and now a
COMPANY’S CEO OF PROJECTS AND IDEAS. I spend my time recording music, writing novel-length e-mails, and dreaming up fantasies. Thus I cannot be forever fettered to the computer and internet responding to and issuing queries. I will, however, continue to generate original music, to the tune of 6 complete albums in the year we have just entered. So be thankful for the following people for that—or else.
Walt Cherries—Walt came to us as a result of a particularly hard rainstorm, which caused his car to fall apart on the highway while he was driving it. Wet, bloody and full of the go-get-‘em attitude that is so highly prized by me and the people I work with, I immediately put him to work with some of the self-same people. After his wounds had healed and he had diligently cleaned the blood out of my keyboard, I decided to promote him to the title of MySpace Site Maintainer. Since he has been so efficient and trustworthy, he will now serve as cultureheart.com’s leading
GOSSIP COLUMNIST AND CULTURE SECRETARY, which title’s responsibilities will become clear in due time.
Tarzan—the reclusive man (maybe a woman, probably not) known as Tarzan sent me a flurry of e-mails a while back and I was taken by his direct, aggressive style. Why he refers to himself as Tarzan is unknown to me, and frankly immaterial; I have simply decided to embrace his primitiveness and allow him to become the latest in an ever-growing line of
MYSPACE SITE MAINTAINERs, as well as assisting in the posting of occasional missives by unregistered CHers to this here !temwire.
Junior—this is Walt Cherries’ father. He is the one who initially forced Walt to append the “Jr.” to his name, only to later recant and reclaim the Jr. for himself, since he is, in fact, the son of a man with his name (Jarrid Cherries), which his son, ironically enough, is not. In any case, he will serve as the
CO-VIDEO REVIEWIST. In this capacity, he will be reviewing films and other video items such as television, along with…
Leandra Komondor—everybody is clearly already familiar with Ms. Komondor’s long and storied career in the judging of professional television, and we know that she will bring this same reliability and love of video programming to her tenure at cultureheart.com. Even though she and Junior will sometimes disagree—and in fact, we’ve already told them all sorts of stuff that the other person allegedly said about them to make them basically totally hate each other—we can always depend on her biased viewpoint to direct us towards which movies she does and does not enjoy. (
CO-VIDEO REVIEWIST)
Monsiuer Music—again, mysterious. But not as bad as Tarzan—he just hides behind a poorly spelled alias to hide his true hit-detecting brilliance. His
MUSIC REVIEWS will guide you towards the light, as well as make you think about what you are doing all the time, and how much of a waste of time it is. That is the power of somebody who uses an alias, and Monsiuer Music is that kind of person.
Ken Frunt—Ken is our
HEAD OF HUMAN RELATIONS. If everybody does their job properly, you’ll never hear anything from the reliable Mr. Frunt (as he is known around the office), but given our track records we decided it was best he be given a login so that he can “vent” or post bulletins about whatever.
Jim and Jennifer Tipps—in an industry first, we have hired a recently married couple to talk about their relationship, marriage, sexual life and proclivities, as well as any problems that they might have (be they organic or arranged by our mysterious, top-secret team of “Trouble-Makers”) so that the nation can learn about what it’s really like to be married. We hope to turn this into some sort of a spin-off, maybe a coffee table or cooking type of book. Jim and Jennifer, cultureheart.com’s official
MARRIAGE THEORISTS AND PRACTITIONERS, will bravely forge a new path through the gnarled underbrush of American romance-making.
House Man—House Man will be performing basic administrative duties until such time as his true purpose is deemed necessary. Until then, just think of him as a guy who works here.
Well, that’s the crew! Please take this opportunity to bookmark the !temwire as we will be revealing many interesting things over the next week, and adding content to the site consistently throughout the year. As always, Tarzan will post news of updates to the MySpace page, but please, keep coming back!
We promise lots of great stuff for this year, it’s going to be a banner year. As in, we’re going to generate so much traffic to the site that we will be able to sell advertising banners. Just kidding, advertising sucks.
Keep flyin’,
Graham Smith
Dictated to Tarzan via megaphone
